Quoll

I have a friend who is doing just that at the moment - $500!!! Eek!

You can apply for an emergency passport if necessary.

I have a great relationship with all of them, made even better by the fact that we arent enmeshed. We would all do anything for the other if needed but not all the time. One granddaughter and I have just had a lovely chat online - she is struggling with her crochet. I talk to my grandson (about football) every week) - you dont need to be living in each other's pockets to have a good relationship.

I've got both but I absolutely agree with BF on this one.

No, it's not, but it's actually not that bad if you have short intense periods of contact - you have as much to do with them then as if you were relatively close. Unless, of course you are utterly enmeshed with them and give your lives over to caring for them full time. That becomes a chore pretty quickly (several friends are now muttering about being taken for granted and it happened to us for the first few years of our granddaughter 's life).

Where is “your” life? Where are your friends, familiar places, things you want to do? Your kids are going to be just 24-36 hours away from you so if you need them they can be there. What would you do if you had no kids? you’d manage your older age then surely? My aunt and uncle had no kids but they had amazing friends and extended family who were there for them. Most of us have that. OTOH I have a friend who has nothing, absolutely nobody, so she put herself into an aged care facility in her 60s where she has her own unit, looks after herself, travels (a lot!!!) and has a wide social network of friends inside and outside the facility. It’s perfectly do-able. We are your age and one son is 24 hours away in U.K. and the other is 4 hours away with his own stuff going on. I don’t expect either of them to drop everything and run to us and they are certainly very independent, neither of them need us peering over their shoulders. We are comfortable enough that we can visit them or even buy a tank of petrol or an air fare for them to come and see us if need be. At our age I think we might plan for our independent age needs but we have as much right as they to be where we want to be, do what we want to do without hanging around their necks! I guess I had good modelling - my parents did just that, we made the decision to go and support them for the last years of their lives but I had no compunction about leaving dad, on his own, in a great care home that he enjoyed. He felt more independent in the home than he did with us there caring for him 24/7 and I respected his need to regain that control of his life. I think at our age we all fear the unknown of our last years but in the meantime we need to kick up our heels and do what is right for US! Look after yourself!

If you’re helping out with the kids and the business, won’t your kids pay you for that? Is that what you want to do with your retirement?

Degree in social work basically. There are always vacancies in child protection because the burn out rate is so high. So if you’ve got your degree, send it off to aasw for registration asap.

Not full Medicare. As you are a U.K. citizen (one assumes resident in U.K. before your arrival) you are entitled to reciprocal care which covers only necessary care. Their assumption is that you will go home for elective items like joint replacements etc (but then you’d be screwed because you’d struggle to demonstrate normal residence to the NHS). Best to ensure you’ve got good private health insurance to cover you against those non-necessary things that won’t be covered by the reciprocal agreement.

Definitely not a good place for you to be. I am guessing that pulling the plug on it is not on the agenda. Maybe you could look at seniors accommodation - you wouldn't be alone and unsupported. A friend of mine went into one when she was in her early 60s and loves it (she's single and still very independent) but was hedging her bets against the day when she might not be able to cope so well. I honestly think that if the thought of going is making you feel physically ill then it isn't a wise move to take until you can consider it with equanimity and look forward to going.

So you have a RRV? And so you have lived in Australia and know what to expect? You may have accrued some superannuation from when you lived here and any residence you had will help you to accumulate the years you need to get the Australian pension. Why do you need to be near your kids in your old age? Could they not move back to help you?

I dunno where it goes either but 360 health insurance, 1000 groceries, 80 broadband, 150 petrol, 60 medications, 75 power, 50 water, 100 coffee/lunches, 40 phones, rates 500 pm plus the other odd 2000 for a one off dental (that’s this month), 400 annual sub for a hobby (have two of them), 1500 for a one off car fix, 1000 car rego, 1000 buildings insurance 800 contents insurance - the “one offs” come with horrible regularity and, as I said, minor house Reno stuff so Bunnings gets 300 a month. Sure we could economise - I didn’t need 2 coffees this morning, nor did I need 10 skeins of yarn at the local wool show but it all mounts up! We don’t drink, go out for expensive meals every week (once a month maybe and that’s 200), smoke, go away or gamble. It’s getting more expensive by the month. So for someone who doesn’t have that sort of access to cash and who knows they would be on a fixed income I’d say they have every right to be concerned.

Are you coming on a permanent visa or a 482? If the latter then you will be paying $5k+ for each child at school and for temporary residents the catchment area does not apply although you may be offered a place at your local school if you are lucky. If you have PR then schools won't be an issue as long as you have a lease which will demonstrate your long term address. Don't rush to get your kids into school until you've got a rental, you don't want to be chopping and changing schools. Nobody is going to mind if they're out of school for a few months while you get settled. As long as you are in the priority enrolment area they are obliged to find a place for them and you can rock up any day of the week and technically they can start straight away but they may ask you to wait a couple of days so they can get things organised.

So, essentially, your children want you there but you don't really want to go? People on here will certainly disagree but I pay everything on my credit card and pay it off every month and that averages around the $7k per month (that's bottom line $84k without rent!). That doesn't include rent because we own our own home. We pay little in power because we have solar hot water and my husband scavenges wood. We are running a very elderly car that belongs to our son but we haven't been going anywhere anyway. I do get free bus travel. We pay health insurance and have certainly had some $$$ medical outgoings. We don't stint, that's for sure and I go out (locally) quite a bit and spend money on coffees and meals if I fancy it. We both have hobbies so I will spend money on yarn if I want. I choose the premium cinema on the rare occasion I go to the movies. We are slowly renovating our house but only the little things get put on the credit card. Our son hunts so we spend less on meat than we might otherwise do. Can you spend less than us? of course you can but, fortunately we don't need to scrimp and save, life would certainly be much more miserable and I see some of my friends who are in that situation and who hesitate before buying a coffee at a social gathering - some of them are really struggling. One of our sons lives on the smell of an oily rag in the bush - hunts or grows his food, owns his own place but still needs a few thousand a month for rates, power, broadband, petrol, insurances, rego, maintenance items and the food things he doesn't grow (he loves cheese but doesn't have and doesn't want the tie of a cow). It's not a cheap place to live and the safety networks would be non existent if you were on a bridging visa (they're not great if you're a permanent resident either) You'd probably find it cheaper to come over for a couple of months every year - my parents came for 6 months a year (summer!!!) for 16 years before they decided that although they absolutely loved Australia they were more comfortable in their own home with their own friends and the NHS. At the point you stop visiting, you could help your kids with fares to visit you if they can't afford the trip - and it would all cost less than the £100k+ than your visa to live here. Your kids have made the decision about what to do with their lives, and, in the same way, that we always say parents shouldn't stop their kids from choosing their own adventure in life, so your kids should not be telling you that you have to have an adventure you dont particularly want. If you're not 100% on doing it and the thought of doing it is making you feel sick then don't do it. Good luck with your decision.

I tend to do the "How much are you really going to sell it to me for?" Routine, doesn't feel quite so much like haggling to me. But it's a while since I've bought anything and you can't haggle in Ikea!

We went back for a "holiday" in 2011 and eventually returned in 2020 because the wheels fell off the parental wagon, somewhat and as they were careering towards 90 their vulnerability was becoming more obvious. I am an only child, it was a lay down misere to go and care for them which we did until mum popped her clogs and dad decided, eventually, that he quite liked the care home he was doing occasional respite in. He died 3 months after we left but, by then, in mid covid I couldn't go back for his funeral (he always said not to bother anyway). For me, personally, it was the best thing I ever did, even though we were 24/7 caring for oldies and squatting in their back bedroom. My demented mum hated it but dad was grateful to spread the load. I lost a shed load of weight, made new "good" friends and caught up with those I had had for half a century and more. Loved the countryside and being where I belonged. Sadly, we were well past the point of no return financially and materially so we are now back in Australia. I hate it. I have other friends who have moved back and most of them think it is the best thing they ever did, some of them decided to return to Aus (one even ping ponged back to UK) - there's no one answer which fits all. Actually, now would be a good time to go with the good Aussie dollar exchange rate, if you have a decent amount from sale of home or savings. I think had I known back when the kids were small, what I know now, I would have pushed to have gone back then - Australia was never going to be forever, it was just a stepping stone. I didnt mind it when the kids were growing up, we needed to provide them with stability for education and we both had good careers, it was only when I realised I was past the point of no return and trapped here that I hated it - nobody likes being trapped. However, you are in a totally different head space. You actually like Australia - after 4 decades here I dislike it immensely. I also had no siblings - if you have siblings I think you can do what the hell you choose and someone else will pick up the slack. I tend to think that if you like it here, are doing well and are selfish and self sufficient (not in a pejorative sense) then stay and get on with it. Who knows, in your retirement maybe you will be in a position to go back and care for whatever family you may have left like we did or it may be too late, nobody knows. You have to make the decision for you and what you can live with, you cant live your life for someone else and guilt is not a great emotion for a migrant to entertain. Personally, I chose to support my parents - if we had left them alone then God knows what would have happened to them, and I am immensely grateful that my DH who once said he could never live in UK again because it would make HIM depressed, actually made the decision for us to stay and help them (and he loves UK now, thoroughly enjoyed his 9 years there!). But that was our personal decision - had I had siblings, I dont think I would have made the same decision but would have done other things to try and help out. Bottom line, there's nothing that a passport and a credit card won't solve! Good luck.

That's very rare, sadly. You've only got to look at the stories on Global Ark to see that the vast majority of families don't have that sort of relationship - your friend should get a lottery ticket!!! The court shenanigans can be very long and expensive. Heavens, even moving away from the jurisdiction to go, say, interstate or merely 50 Miles down the road can be very hard fought.

You’d be better off assuming that you won’t be going home to live - ever - and that you will be “trapped” then make your decision. If you can come to terms with that then you may cope much better. As long as you hang on to the “it may happen one day” you are not going to be happy because it’s not going to happen, the time will never be right unless you maybe win the lottery and even then he will probably play the “I can’t leave my parents” card and it won’t be long before the resentment kicks in. Given your precarious financial situation you’d better plan for not going home once a year either, annual visits when you have kids is only viable if you’ve got a decent income. Your mum is right in that you can’t have it all! It’s coming to terms with the fact that you can’t have it all that seems to be hardest for you. Pragmatically, you can have your family with the man you love and the price you pay for that is that you live in Aus for the rest of your days and see your family maybe once every 5 years if you’re lucky. If you can’t do that then don’t start a family. If you assume that your OH is going to be earning a decent income in Australia, he could surely do the same in UK. What skills does he have? Trade? You only need the £18k income to get him in on the spouse visa then he can start earning. Have you checked out his Ancestry? That could be an easier visa option.

None of us have a crystal ball. One could say that if he really wanted you to be happy he would be on the next plane back with you. He’s not going to move, ever, and I think you have to take that as read. Didn’t you say that he’s already changed the goal posts? It was initially only 2 years and it’s been 3. You’ve been unhappy and he still hasn’t moved. Have you checked out other simpler visa options for him or does it have to be the spouse visa? If that’s the case you may never have the choice of that unless you can get a reasonable paying job or £60k in savings. A happy family needs a happy mother and unless you can commit 100% to being happy in Australia for the rest of your days you are going to struggle with that and it won’t do you or your children any good. I do understand your desire for a family, I really do, but you can’t make a half hearted decision about such things. You will not be happy if you are hanging on to the dream that you’re going to raise your family in UK and you won’t be doing yourself any favours in hanging onto that dream - the resentment won’t take long to surface if you do. If having a family is your number 1 priority then you stay in Australia and crack on with it. If raising a family in UK is your number 1 priority then cut and run ASAP and start again. I know that most men subscribe to the “plenty more fish in the sea” thing but women not so much. What does your mum say? I know what I would say if you were my daughter (I’m in the cut and run camp partly because what little you’ve said about the situation smacks of control to me and that is anathema to me). Alternatively, what advice would you give to your daughter in 30 odd years if she were in your shoes? Short of taking yourself off to a clairvoyant the only thing you can do is to make a decision one way or the other and live with it. Agonising and trying to second guess yourself isn’t helpful - once you own your decision - least worst option or hope for something better - you might feel better about the whole situation. I know I feel better about living here because I’ve reframed it as my choice to stay, I have the power, I have the control. It’s all about taking control of your own decisions and making the best of the outcomes. I know I don’t sound sympathetic but I really am. I think you’re between a rock and a hard place and it’s bloody uncomfortable. But now is the time to make the decision and live with it or you will find that all your choices have been taken away from you by circumstances and that way madness lies. If all else fails, toss a coin and own the outcome!

Sadly, I think you’re screwed. If you stay with him then put all thoughts of living in U.K. out of your mind and live your least worst option. Can you do it? Sure you can but you will have to realise that you will be giving up everything you hoped for in terms of raising your kids around your family. In which case I would be seeing a counsellor so you can arm yourself with all the strategies in the world to help your mental health. Meanwhile, you can focus on compromise - you both have to at least appear to make concessions in order to make it work. What is he going to concede to you to make it worth your while? Yearly sanity hits? Living somewhere else where you both start from scratch and have to forge a life as a family together? What??? If you honestly can’t imagine life without him then you have no choice, draw a line and move on. I say this from the point of having made my choice to live my least worst option. I love my husband to bits and I’ve had him for almost 50 years so I’m not going to train up a new one but to have him I have to live in a country I dislike, even loathe on occasion because I don’t “belong”. Do I regret that we didn’t make different choices at various points in our lives? - sure I do. But I’d like to think I’m stronger than to let it get me down and beat me though even for me there have been times when crying has seemed the only option and sure I whinge about it (on here, where some people understand - it doesn’t get aired in real life). You can do it too if you think in another 50 years you will be glad to have him. But you have to make the choice and crack on with it. This is your point of no return.

Equally, keeping a person here who does not want to be here and holding their child hostage is beyond borderline cruel, it is downright cruel. If he wants to have access to his child he could move over too. Simples.

The issue about having children is when a relationship is, shall we say, a bit rocky and one partner might want to leave - as the OP has indicated - to raise a child with their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. If you have a partner who is quite happy to let you nick off with their kid then you have probably won the lottery but more often than not, when one partner wants to live elsewhere but the Aussie partner says no, then the Hague Convention kicks in and the wannabe leaver is not allowed to leave the country with their child. In your case - imagine if your wife said "I"m going home" but you didnt want to leave Australia then the court would be on your side and your wife would not be allowed to take her child (your child!) with her. If she went, she would have to go alone. That is the reasoning behind "dont bring a kid into the equation until you are 100% certain you want to die in Australia". Sadly not all partners in relationships are prepared to accommodate desires to belong somewhere else

The others have beaten me to it. To the OP, do NOT being a child into this equation. And if you do get pregnant, get yourself back to UK before the child is born. If you do not, then I can tell you now, you will NEVER leave. Australia does not let children leave if one parent - even be they the worst drop kick of parents - says no. And once you have kids it gets considerably more expensive to take trips home for your sanity hits. I'm not sure that a job getting just $47k is really going to give you the sort of lifestyle that is going to allow much international travel anyway and I'm sure you dont want to be living with the in laws for any length of time (big warning signs flashing right there for me) Does your partner have to go on a spouse visa? Is there any UK ancestry which might be a bonus access to an Ancestry visa (UK born grandparent or maybe more distant Irish ancestors perhaps?). Bottom line - is this the man you want to grow old with? If he is then resign yourself to staying here and living your least worst option for the rest of your life. If you subscribe to the "other fish in the sea" then pack your bags and leave now, start your life again where you are happy and you belong - ASAP. You're still young enough to start again and once you are back where you belong them maybe you'll find that your confidence grows and you may be able to make new career pathways there. Look for where you can get support. Your family may be a good starting point for you. What can they do to help you get back on your feet? If you do move on to UK, start with a job, any job. It is so much easier to get a job when you've got a job and don't try and second guess yourself all the time. I quite see that maybe you don't think counselling will help you make a decision. It's a reasonable option if you go for the least worst option and you need a tool kit full of tricks to help you get through every day but the decision is down to you. Toss a coin and see what it says - is as good a strategy as any. Good luck, but look after yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you.

Not quite on the Liverpool St/Westminster lines but my son and his wife have a very nice house in Kingston on Thames for well less than that. Train to Waterloo - quick link then to the City and not too far to Westminster (my son loved to cycle that route, took him about 45 minutes through Richmond Park, my daughter in law gets the train also to Westminster), Trains seem to be OK and reasonably regular. Norbiton is the next suburb in and it seems pretty nice too. Schools seem to be very good if my grandson's school is anything to go by. May not be the side of town you are thinking of but if you dont mind half an hour on the train it's not too bad.

Simple answer, no, the guilt never goes away and it gets worse as the people you leave behind get older and frailer. If you want to live in Australia because it is Gods Own Country then you will just have to suck it up and realise that the price you pay for material things is the lack of family around you. As you havent started a family yet, then be aware that the guilt/emotional stress is going to get worse as soon as little people appear on the horizon. You'll need to make more trips back just so that any kids will be able to know their family and that gets expensive and then taking them back away from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins gets harder each time.