Quoll

LOL I know what you mean - I was a psychologist in a previous life and wouldnt venture down that path myself either - fortunately I have some sensible friends who know me and know their stuff so it hasnt been too difficult and I have had a lot of the tips and tricks in my toolbox for a long time. It might be easier for you if your lads decided to move away - perhaps you could encourage them;-). I do know what you mean about living the grandparental life though - I am fortunate in that I am not enmeshed with either lot but we still have a good relationship. I am banking on the sanity hit trips once things get lightened up here. I see a lot of my friends who are enmeshed and I do sometimes wonder where is "their" life. My UK son went back for a post uni gap year - in 2002 and has a fabulous career, home of his own, wife and son. The Aussie one - lives on a block in the bush which he was able to buy thanks to an inheritance otherwise he would still have been in our granny flat, broken relationship and not a great opportunity for making money (doesnt bother him, he's aiming for self sufficiency when society collapses) - so better opportunities ??? hmmm not so much from my lads' point of view.

Hang in there! When the feelings overwhelm your thinking every bloody day so that you just cannot enjoy what you do have, I'd say you have situational or exogenous depression. First port of call would be your GP - not for medication because what ails you isn't really medicable - for a mental health plan to talk to a psychologist. Psycologists have different theoretical biases and personally I respond better to CBT because it gives you strategies to move ahead and reframes your thinking (doesn't mean you actually get to love "paradise" but it helps with the feelings of helplessness at your situation. Others go for mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance a nd commitment therapy) is quite functional but it doesn't work for me. So the trick is to find a therapist that you get on with who can help you come to terms with what you've got and move forward. If your DH isn't listening to you then perhaps you need to try marriage counselling - is so easy for one partner to discount the depth of feeling of the other and just put it down to the "usual whingeing" and not understand the pain that you experience - very easy to discount a whinge. Kids - well, I'm the first to say let them live their own lives and once they've hit 21 you're free to do what the hell you like. So, yes, it is lovely to have the grandkids around but if they're not, they're not and you can make do with what you've got - Facetime, longer visits, whatever. I've got a son and grandson in UK and the son who was in the granny flat with half time care of his kids is now 3 hours south in Victoria - might just as well be in London really. I have no idea how old you are but if you are under 50 I would be pushing like hell for a move on to UK. That's enough time for you to get settled back into a life before you need to think about retiring. Much later than that and it's probably past the point of no return. However, never think of it as going back because you'll never get back what you had, you can only move forwards and, effectively, make a new life. I could rabbit on for hours but I won't. Always happy to chat if you want to message me though!!! You're a strong woman you can move mountains!

Ah, but you wouldn't move, would you, once you've got established with a job in Sydney. You could withdraw your application to ACT and start again and apply for NSW then take the job with a clear conscience. Play by the rules, move to Canberra and give it at least 6 months of solid job hunting then if you cant find anything then contact ACT government and ask them what you should do.

True, but the other insurmountable obstacle is the husband I have had for nearly 50 years, who is Australian! He gave me nearly 10 years in UK so now is his time again.

Unfortunately we have come to much the same decision - it would be financially silly of us to move back to UK and hopefully if international travel starts again (I'm not as sanguine as many about the impact of the China virus and the ones that will follow) I will be able to get my sanity hits. It's financially the best decision for me but spiritually not.

Nah, you're still young. We accidentally moved back to UK in our early 60s and back to Australia in our early 70s. If it were financially viable to move back to UK I would do it in a heart beat now crawling towards my mid 70s. It's only money after all.

If it’s a temporary visa (482) then you will be up for school fees which are about $5-6k pa per child so you’ll instantly take $11k off your total. You don't say if that figure is inclusive of superannuation or not - if it is, then that's even less you will have to play with. Schools will very much depend on where you live and I've lost track of how much Sydney rentals are in places you actually want to live in but I would think you'd be looking at at least between $5-700 a week so $2-3k per month. And what you don't pay in rent you pay more for transport and you'd probably need to be running 2 cars. We pay everything on card (in Canberra which is similar) and there are only 2 of us, not paying for transport /parking because we are old, owning our own home and the card totals around $6k a month (we dont economise drastically but neither are we great splurgers) so that's an eye watering $72k a year just for general living, insurances, power & utilities, hobbies, house repair etc - I'm sure there are economies we could make but life would be less comfortable. The other thing to bear in mind is that the dependents of temporary visa holders have been reported to have struggled to find work so unless your skill set is in a high need niche then you may find it difficult because employers tend to prefer not to invest in people who could leave in a year or two. Good luck!

Will he be up for international fees in U.K. too? Not sure how they would view the 9 months out of the country, unless of course, it’s his gap year and he did A levels before leaving.

Yes, all Australian teachers have to have 4 years University based training. Sorry but she won't be eligible with that.

Not going to qualify as a teacher I am afraid. Teaching requires 4 year university training, a 3 year degree isnt going to cut it. Not sure which states, if any are supporting primary teachers these days, they often want something additional, like a second language - Australia isnt short of primary teachers and even if she got a visa, the chances of getting a job in a place anyone wants to live in are rather slim.

An Australian passport is going to be a whole lot more expensive than a UK one and it sounds like they will need a passport of some description. Maybe you could treat them to a new passport as a Christmas present. It will be much quicker - not the year long + wait for citizenship. They'll probably need that a a form of photographic identification for the citizenship process anyway

Can they apply to renew their British passports? They dont need old passports to do that, although it is easier if they do have them. They have their birth certificates so it should be fairly straightforward - apply for a renewal not a new passport. Did they get Australian citizenship? They would know if they had because you have to go to a ceremony and get your certificate. They could probably apply for Australian citizenship but, honestly, renewing a passport is going to be quicker.

Cant reenter Australia as his permanent resident visa is cancelled once he becomes a citizen. Australian citizens must travel on an Australian passport.

Your daughter probably has no concept of what it will be like in reality. It'll appear to her to be like a holiday and everyone likes a holiday. And I'm sure you've put the best possible "we can go to the beach every day, you can have a puppy and a pony" gloss on it (ok maybe not the puppy and the pony ). If you'd said "you'll never see nanna and grandad or your cousins again, you won't live in this house any more, you won't see your special school friends ever again, we will have to get rid of a lot of your toys " then you might get a different response. She's excited because you are excited. It might be fine but dont be surprised if she finds it harder than you think.

You're likely to have the most trouble with your daughter tbh. Especially if she is close to her grandparents. Both my now adult sons, having partnered with girls from large local extended families, have said that their only regret is that they grew up isolated from wider family even though we did our best to maintain those links and having my parents visit for long periods. If either your parents or your daughter are enmeshed in each others lives it is going to be hard for all. If you're essentially independent already it will be much easier.

LOL we did try and tell you. Good advice though at you've learned the hard way.

It was a long time ago but I think it was "The DH has been offered a XXX in YYY and we leave at the end of March" - the phone call was end of January from memory. I honestly didnt give it a thought as to what impact it would have on my parents. I'd already married an Aussie and lived in PNG by that time and we were back in UK so he could do Uni. The last time we left - we had been in UK for 9 years looking after Dad who had recently chosen to go into a care home and we decided on the Thursday we would need to leave asap in order to avoid being stuck there due to Covid, I told him on the Friday - he just nodded and said he could see the point, we promised to Skype and we would be back for a visit asap, I gave him a hug and that was it. We cleared out his home, cleaned it and locked it up ready for sale and left on the Saturday night, spending the night with our son before flying out on Sunday. I was fortunate in that my parents were much the same as us - independent and making things work for them so they had 15 years when they retired, spending 6 months each year playing golf here in Aus. Dad died 3 months after we left and though he asked us a couple of times when we would be coming back, we told him the government wouldnt let us leave and he sort of understood, otherwise I would have been back for his birthday the following February. I didnt (couldnt) go back for his funeral and you get to live with those kind of decisions. I guess what I am saying is that you have to put on your kevlar knickers and be utterly selfish because if you worried about what everyone else thought of your actions then you would be hogtied. We have always been a spur of the moment kinda family though so long goodbyes and impending dooms are not our thing. If you know your family are going to guilt you or stop talking to you or generally be unhelpful then you will just have to be extra strong and you will have to do the hard yards in maintaining relationships if they are that important to you.

Yup, my dad did the same, because it was an emergency and fortunately he got the go ahead to fly home shortly afterwards.

And, to add to Marisa's excellent list, at the end of the day if they fail the medical when their time comes (assuming they havent popped their clogs - and btw you will have to fund all care home fees should they need it, no subsidies there) then they will have to go home. You often see it in the papers when people then start crying crocodile tears and writing to their MP with their emotional blackmail. Also, if their tourist visa says no further stay they will have to go home anyway.

She's probably not looking in the right place. She should talk to an insurance broker if the online comparison sites dont help her but it isnt going to be cheap. I cant remember the site a friend recommended but it had North West England connotations iirc - she is a cancer survivor and managed to get cover. I would absolutely not be relying on reciprocal cover - it is a long trip and if you are unwell on the trip, medical care can cost you thousands. Also, if you are sick while you are here but need repatriating then the cost of repatriation flights are eye watering. She really does need insurance.

Most returnees I've spoken to have been really positive about the British system and the support that their kids have received in order to catch up. I doubt her accent is going to generate more than a slight interest, schools are very multi ethnic places these days. She will probably need some help catching up not only because she going into an older year but also because Australia is generally behind UK even at the same year level - it'll be things like maths, mainly. If she's got a friend there to start with that's going to be a help to her getting into the peer group.

Sadly, yes, I think you do. Many of us have chosen the least worst option - doesnt make it any easier other than that it reframes the situation into one that you have chosen and not had it forced upon you. You may want to get into discussions with your wife and kids about compromise - maybe the compromise for you is that your holidays (and holiday money LOL) are spent on you going back to UK if they wont go with you - then you will stay and be the good dad and partner. My DH and I had such a compromise before we actually ended up living in UK for 9 glorious years and he still understands that now I am back in Aus, we will go back to the original compromise as soon as Covid permits (but, actually, he wants to go back too, so much we didnt do or see!). At the end of the day you have to make up your mind if this is the woman and family you want to grow old beside and within. If you think that the resentment might have kicked in well before the kids leave home then maybe some marriage counselling might help her realise the depth of your despair - or you bite the bullet and say cheerio. I've had my DH for 48 years now and I am too old to train up a new one and in the end you cant cuddle a country so that makes my choice a bit easier - I hope you can find a way to make your choice work for you.

Very good point. To the OP, just be aware that you are unlikely to get any additional support in schools for ADHD beyond a suggestion he take Ritalin or something else.

Don't you want it sent to you here in Australia?

Which river did you have in mind? There are lots of them in Australia with north and south sides.