Making decisions

[Looking-for-home]

Hello all,

I have been in Australia for 9 years after moving here with my Aussie wife who I met back home. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment in Sydney's inner west with our two children who are 4 and nearly 2. 

Since having our second child we have come to the conclusion that we need to sell our apartment and find somewhere bigger. Sydney, being ridiculously expensive, just isn't an option for us if we want to buy a house so we've been considering moving to Canberra for the last year or so.

However, since returning from a holiday to the UK I've been feeling more and more like Australia is not my home and I don't fit in. I miss my family terribly as well. This feeling isn't new. In fact I've felt like this from day one, on and off, but have suppressed it since my wife wanted to stay here, not least because her mother has Parkinson's.

Now that we're coming closer to leaving our little home we're just not sure where to go. Do we give Canberra a go and hope I can actually form some meaningful friendships and gain a sense of belonging? Do I just accept my lot and stay here in Sydney? Or do I pursue the idea of returning to the UK? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I know other's can't make the decision for us but I'm interested in people's thoughts and experiences.

[Marisawright]

Lots and lots and lots of people have been in a similar situation.  It's very common in couples where one is Australian and one is British.

From being on these forums for a long time, I believe there are two kinds of people - the nomads and the homelovers. 

Nomads make great migrants - of course they love their friends and family, but they can happily go for long periods, even years, without seeing them.  They may always have a soft spot for their homeland but if they move to a new country, they become equally as settled and attached to their new home.

Homelovers see the nomads heading off to a new life and assume they can do that too - but they can't. They may not realise it at first, but they have a deep connection to the country of their birth, and the longer they are away, the more they miss it.  They don't feel "at home" for some indefinable reason they can't explain, so they look for reasons - not making friends, not liking the climate, isolation, etc.  But there really is no reason.  Homelovers need to be on their own land, with their own blood, it's just the way they're made.

Since you've had the feeling from day one, I suspect you're a homelover. Which means it's unlikely the feeling will go away, and it will become stronger as time goes by, and that's a problem because your wife is Australian.

Would your wife move to the UK if her mother's health wasn't a concern?  It's hard to discuss without sounding ghoulish, but could you make a plan and agree that you'll move back to the UK after her mother passes away? 

In the meantime, what could you do to keep yourself going?  I think you might be right to consider a move. Sydney isn't an easy place to make friends, if you're living in the inner suburbs it's a very shallow place.  People are friendly and approachable but it never gets beyond that.  I really noticed the difference when I moved to Melbourne.  I'm not sure Canberra is the right choice, though.  I do like Canberra but what made you choose it?  Is it because of work opportunities?  I assume you want to be close to Sydney for your wife's mother, but what about Newcastle or Wollongong? 

 

[rammygirl]

Spot on with the nomad and home lover examples.  I am definitely a nomad. Even when I went away to uni at 18 I would happily not contact home or old friends, but I enjoyed seeing people when I returned in the holidays (not giving a thought to my uni friends).  I guess I can compartmentalise things easily.  Wherever I lay my hat........

 

Dont get me wrong I have deep friendships that have lasted over 50 years but I don’t contact some of them for months (apart from Facebook posts) then can drop by when I am in UK and it is like we have never been apart.

I do miss people and places but not so it makes me sad.

 

[Quoll]

Your first problem is probably going to be that your wife won’t leave her mum so you’re stymied for a return to U.K. before you start. Even if she does say yes, does she have citizenship or could she get a visa? That’s often another stumbling block.

I would probably be one of the most pro-Canberra folk on here but, quite honestly, it’s probably not the place to go to “belong” if you’re a Pom although there are several features which make it more like - having the definite seasons is a plus. Canberra is quite an insular place, most families are dual income because of necessity and though you might get more bang for your buck accommodation wise, you might find yourself living out in one of the more soulless suburbs as that is where best house value for money now resides. Canberra also has a bit of a class culture - being a Shiny Bum town there is quite a bit of social chat about “what level are you?” And the associated material one upmanship that goes with it. If you’re not a public servant it might be different I suppose.  That aside, it’s a nice enough place to live and work and bring up kids. At least you have the scenery.

I’m not sure that there is anywhere in Australia which will help you “belong” because it’s not “home” - I used to think some of the smaller towns would be better but, really, I’m not sure they are.

You may be a nomad by inclination in which case just the move will be enough, for the short term - the adventure and thrill of the new. Whilst I far and away prefer U.K. for a whole raft of reasons I don’t cope well with being stuck in one place for any length of time. (I’m in U.K. now, coming up for 7 years quite unexpectedly and I love every minute of being here but I am ready to move on now as I’m not enjoying being trapped caring for a 94 year old parent! Before that, I had 32 years in  Canberra with very few solid friendships there, lots of acquaintances but few who I could call at 3am!)

There are plenty of us on here who know the feeling of being an alien and most just get on with it because moving on to U.K. is often just too difficult with partners, visas, jobs etc. But left long enough it can deteriorate into exogenous depression which will affect your mental well being and if you sense that being displaced is overwhelming you then get support sooner rather than later (a mental health plan with a CBT or ACT therapist is a good starting point for survival strategies).

[Looking-for-home]

Yeah, I guess I'm a home lover with nomad ambitions. My wife has a British passport through her dad with an uncle, aunt and cousin in England. Maybe a move will eventuate, maybe not. I'm not hopeful.