Returning to Australia after 13 years

[Miffey]

We have been in the UK (home) for 13 years. We emigrated to Australia in 1976. It was always the intention to return sometime. However, in that time children and grandchildren have grown and made their own lives. Our son is 52 and daughter 49.  We visited most years.. Each time I feel more at odds with the lifestyle and countryside in Australia. We would be returning to the Mornington Peninsula. 
my husband is very keen to return. He misses the lifestyle and weather. 
At 73 this is a very challenging decision. We both have extended family here and I have made close friends. I have also resumed contact with old friends from my childhood who welcomed us back with great generosity. 
Do I just accept that at this stage of my life I need to be more realistic regarding health and family? 

 Australia will never be my home in my heart. However, I would not want to upset my husband, children and grandchildren. The past 13 years have been truly wonderful and the North Norfolk countryside is so beautiful. Also in the last 11 years I have taken up classical ballet. Undertaken numerous exams and even graduated to ‘pointe shoes’. One of our granddaughters is here at the English National Ballet School. 
i have missed our children and grandchildren over the years. However, the time flew by so quickly. Seasons came and went. We also have a little Cavalier King Charles who is vaccinated to go to Australia. 

I would really appreciate any thoughts and advice. At 73 tomorrow is not guaranteed and  I’m a little bit scared of making the wrong.  I do know that many of you have had similar decisions to make, 

[Marisawright]

I'm over 70 myself.  I don't think you're too old to make the move.  However it concerns me that you know you won't feel at home in Australia.   It is nice to be near family, but day-to-day, most of us spend more time with our friends.  After all, our children and grandchildren have their own lives to lead.  I worry that you'll be lonely if you make the move.  

You say your husband misses the lifestyle and the weather, but he had 35 whole years of it.  You've only had 13 years of the lifestyle and friends you prefer.  How come he got 35 years but you only get 13?   It's your turn!   If you don't want to move, don't.  

If you're thinking you need to move before you get too infirm, don't.  Worry about that if the time comes, because you'll still be able to get on the plane in your 80s, even if they have to wheel you on in a wheelchair.  

If you decide to move anyway, there is a ballet school on the Mornington Peninsula which my friend (also 70) attends, though it is only one class a week and they don't do pointe work.  There are some ballet schools in the inner suburbs but they would be a long haul.

https://janellesschoolofdance.com.au/ballet-lessons-mornington/

https://dancestruck.com.au/dance-programs/dance-for-adults/

Edited September 2 by Marisawright

[ramot]

9 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I'm over 70 myself.  I don't think you're too old to make the move.  However it concerns me that you know you won't feel at home in Australia.   It is nice to be near family, but day-to-day, most of us spend more time with our friends.  After all, our children and grandchildren have their own lives to lead.  I worry that you'll be lonely if you make the move.  

You say your husband misses the lifestyle and the weather, but he had 35 whole years of it.  You've only had 13 years of the lifestyle and friends you prefer.  How come he got 35 years but you only get 13?   It's your turn!   If you don't want to move, don't.  

If you're thinking you need to move before you get too infirm, don't.  Worry about that if the time comes, because you'll still be able to get on the plane in your 80s, even if they have to wheel you on in a wheelchair.  

If you decide to move anyway, there is a ballet school on the Mornington Peninsula which my friend (also 70) attends, though it is only one class a week and they don't do pointe work.  There are some ballet schools in the inner suburbs but they would be a long haul.

https://janellesschoolofdance.com.au/ballet-lessons-mornington/

https://dancestruck.com.au/dance-programs/dance-for-adults/

Although friends can be very supportive, I’m a bit older than you and my friendship group is getting smaller and older. Sadly several good friends have died recently, others have decided to move closer to family or into care, so my backup is diminishing, that’s the reality. So there is a sense of reassurance that we have a son an hour away and a daughter in Sydney, and they are not in UK.  
Of course many people cope without family backup, but it can be lonely.

[Miffey]

1 hour ago, Marisawright said:

I'm over 70 myself.  I don't think you're too old to make the move.  However it concerns me that you know you won't feel at home in Australia.   It is nice to be near family, but day-to-day, most of us spend more time with our friends.  After all, our children and grandchildren have their own lives to lead.  I worry that you'll be lonely if you make the move.  

You say your husband misses the lifestyle and the weather, but he had 35 whole years of it.  You've only had 13 years of the lifestyle and friends you prefer.  How come he got 35 years but you only get 13?   It's your turn!   If you don't want to move, don't.  

If you're thinking you need to move before you get too infirm, don't.  Worry about that if the time comes, because you'll still be able to get on the plane in your 80s, even if they have to wheel you on in a wheelchair.  

If you decide to move anyway, there is a ballet school on the Mornington Peninsula which my friend (also 70) attends, though it is only one class a week and they don't do pointe work.  There are some ballet schools in the inner suburbs but they would be a long haul.

https://janellesschoolofdance.com.au/ballet-lessons-mornington/

https://dancestruck.com.au/dance-programs/dance-for-adults/

Thank you so much for such a lovely response. My husband was a RAAF Officer and subsequently a Public Servant which tied us into the super until retirement. I actually looked up your friend’s school in Mornington as my daughter lived in Mt Eliza. What a small world.

[Marisawright]

7 hours ago, Miffey said:

Thank you so much for such a lovely response. My husband was a RAAF Officer and subsequently a Public Servant which tied us into the super until retirement.

It doesn't change the fact that he's already had 35 years of his preferred location, whatever the reason he got it. You're equal partners so you're entitled to equal time!  

The time to move is, as Ramot mentions, when you feel as though your backup is diminishing.  Right now you're still actively involved, coping well and enjoying your community. I don't see a strong reason to give all that up just yet.

[calNgary]

2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

It doesn't change the fact that he's already had 35 years of his preferred location, whatever the reason he got it. You're equal partners so you're entitled to equal time!  

The time to move is, as Ramot mentions, when you feel as though your backup is diminishing.  Right now you're still actively involved, coping well and enjoying your community. I don't see a strong reason to give all that up just yet.

If your calculating the years like that, you need to consider the years BEFORE they moved to Aus too. I doubt they met and moved to Aus the next day. 

         Cal x

[ramot]

5 hours ago, Marisawright said:

It doesn't change the fact that he's already had 35 years of his preferred location, whatever the reason he got it. You're equal partners so you're entitled to equal time!  

The time to move is, as Ramot mentions, when you feel as though your backup is diminishing.  Right now you're still actively involved, coping well and enjoying your community. I don't see a strong reason to give all that up just yet.

I actually meant it’s a point to consider at this moment, stay with the potential of dwindling friends, or move now before you are older to be near family, and still young enough to to join in anything that interests you. 
From friend’s experiences, most of them in their 70’s, who have moved recently into retirement villages, they have found the move hard work, and glad they haven’t left it any later.  Add moving countries into the mix and I certainly wouldn’t consider it.

Edited September 3 by ramot

[Quoll]

I had almost a decade in UK, returning to Australia at 71 to my own home in a city I had lived in since 1979.  Covid didnt help at all but the "friends" who said they would be friends when I returned sort of disappeared into the ether, I wasnt on their radar because I had been away and thus far I have had coffee with one a few times in the last few years - mainly because she values my taking her to hospital appointments and lunch with another, once in the last 4 years (she has a family and is always off somewhere in her Winnebago).   Having been through the establishing of social networks when we returned to Cambridge, accidentally, I have had to do the same here.  I have acquaintances but no real "call at 3am friends" which I do still have in UK.   I would still be living in East Anglia given my choice but my husband helped me care for my aged parents and for that I knew I had to return to his home (he's Aussie).  One kid lives 4 hours away, the other is in UK, both have their own lives and we see the Aussie son maybe once a month.  The granddaughters are teenagers and apart from the odd afternoon tea we dont feature in their calendar.  I had the most wonderful trip home in May/June this year and a huge weight lifted from me because I was where I belonged.  A couple of times I was almost in tears because it all felt so "right".

I'd say stick to your guns.  My physical and mental health was 100 times better in UK and I live in a state of dreary depression here despite a concerted effort to exercise, follow my interests etc etc,  If it doesnt work for you, and you are filled with dread at the mere thought of it, then it wont be easy and it will take its toll on you.  You've still got a good many years visiting in you, yet.  Who knows, if you are still in UK and need help maybe one of your kids or grandkids will do as we did for my parents and relocate to support you in your home with your social network around you.

If you do allow yourself to be "persuaded" then good luck, it'll be hard work getting reestablished and will cost you an arm and several legs for the privilege but you are a strong woman and you can do it!!!  

Edited September 3 by Quoll

[Miffey]

On 03/09/2024 at 06:21, Quoll said:

I had almost a decade in UK, returning to Australia at 71 to my own home in a city I had lived in since 1979.  Covid didnt help at all but the "friends" who said they would be friends when I returned sort of disappeared into the ether, I wasnt on their radar because I had been away and thus far I have had coffee with one a few times in the last few years - mainly because she values my taking her to hospital appointments and lunch with another, once in the last 4 years (she has a family and is always off somewhere in her Winnebago).   Having been through the establishing of social networks when we returned to Cambridge, accidentally, I have had to do the same here.  I have acquaintances but no real "call at 3am friends" which I do still have in UK.   I would still be living in East Anglia given my choice but my husband helped me care for my aged parents and for that I knew I had to return to his home (he's Aussie).  One kid lives 4 hours away, the other is in UK, both have their own lives and we see the Aussie son maybe once a month.  The granddaughters are teenagers and apart from the odd afternoon tea we dont feature in their calendar.  I had the most wonderful trip home in May/June this year and a huge weight lifted from me because I was where I belonged.  A couple of times I was almost in tears because it all felt so "right".

I'd say stick to your guns.  My physical and mental health was 100 times better in UK and I live in a state of dreary depression here despite a concerted effort to exercise, follow my interests etc etc,  If it doesnt work for you, and you are filled with dread at the mere thought of it, then it wont be easy and it will take its toll on you.  You've still got a good many years visiting in you, yet.  Who knows, if you are still in UK and need help maybe one of your kids or grandkids will do as we did for my parents and relocate to support you in your home with your social network around you.

If you do allow yourself to be "persuaded" then good luck, it'll be hard work getting reestablished and will cost you an arm and several legs for the privilege but you are a strong woman and you can do it!!!  

Thank you so much Quoll. You have walked in my shoes. I am meeting with a counsellor to provide some advice. None I doubt will be as helpful as posted on this site. Are you able to DM me? 

[Miffey]

On 03/09/2024 at 03:17, ramot said:

I actually meant it’s a point to consider at this moment, stay with the potential of dwindling friends, or move now before you are older to be near family, and still young enough to to join in anything that interests you. 
From friend’s experiences, most of them in their 70’s, who have moved recently into retirement villages, they have found the move hard work, and glad they haven’t left it any later.  Add moving countries into the mix and I certainly wouldn’t consider it.

It is such a dilemma and is making me feel very worried. 

[Miffey]

On 02/09/2024 at 22:17, Marisawright said:

It doesn't change the fact that he's already had 35 years of his preferred location, whatever the reason he got it. You're equal partners so you're entitled to equal time!  

The time to move is, as Ramot mentions, when you feel as though your backup is diminishing.  Right now you're still actively involved, coping well and enjoying your community. I don't see a strong reason to give all that up just yet.

I just hope and pray the house takes a really long time to sell I will miss my friends here so much.

[Miffey]

On 02/09/2024 at 22:17, Marisawright said:

It doesn't change the fact that he's already had 35 years of his preferred location, whatever the reason he got it. You're equal partners so you're entitled to equal time!  

The time to move is, as Ramot mentions, when you feel as though your backup is diminishing.  Right now you're still actively involved, coping well and enjoying your community. I don't see a strong reason to give all that up just yet.

Thank you for your kind words. Are you in Australia? 

[Marisawright]

5 hours ago, Miffey said:

Thank you for your kind words. Are you in Australia? 

Yes I'm in Australia, but that's fine with me because I'm a nomad at heart and never felt particularly attached to any country, including the land of my birth!  Wherever I happen to be is fine with me.  But I know I'm unusual in that, and I've seen how homesickness can tear a person to bits.